The Minnesota Family Reunion

For Minnesotans everywhere, whether you are purebred or a transplant, it is once again State Fair Time. Knowing that no additional information than that statement is needed for the locals, I feel that it is important for non-Minnie’s to fully grasp the concept of our State Fair.

With the Trailer rally on Snelling Blvd. in full swing, representing the NASCAR event that the State Fair is; the gates are now officially OPEN. Where being 10-years behind in wardrobe and music taste is ideal; it is the perfect cross road between who Minnesotans believe they are, and what they actually are. Where mullets and fanny-packs are proudly displayed, any food choice comes on a stick, and Scandinavian tans (sunburns) are born. It is Minnesota’s annual dosage of soma.

Every year, more than 1.5 million folks pound the pavement at the State Fair. It is a 12 day binge on a food assortment hardly rivaled anywhere in the Midwest. If one so chooses, anything from Pig lickers (chocolate covered bacon) to pails over-flowing with Sweet Martha’s cookies can wet the taste palette. It is a weight gaining event that makes any dieter cringe. But, then again who goes to the Fair to count calories? Deep fried anything’s (DFA’s) and food on a stick is the base of the state fair food pyramid. Fat and sugars are the necessary stimulants to keep ones intensity as you weed through the Midway and the animal stables. It keeps your energy up to run through the haunted house and gives enough muscle jolt to keep your hands held high when rolling down the infamous State Fair Slide on a potato sack.

While you continuously digest a potluck of food, you will find yourself getting tired, sleepy, and having difficulties walking. But, to circumvent the sluggishness that might creep up on fair goers, the saving grace is the Yard stick. An ingenious adaptation or replacement of the cane that allows our glut-toned up bodies to continue to move forward long-after we loose our ability to walk. Have no worry folks, you will arrive at your next eatery shortly…I think that Governor Pawlenty is currently working on a new law that would effectively ban any surgeon in MN from performing gastric bypass surgeries during Fair time. Rest assurred, no one will be left out.

If you are a fan of free, the fair is also your prized location of the summer. With every outfit promoting some service or product, rest assured that you will at least travel home with a new pen. From free water (thanks Culligan) to free bags (name a college-get a bag) you will not have to pay for all the fun at the fair. In fact, the popularity of the University of St. Thomas purple bags is so enormous that it has been rumored that people from Wayzata will wait in line to get one. Additionally, another free component of the fair is the mental pedometer that we all obtain during Fair time. To get from point A to point B, look no further than the soles of you shoes, sandal’s, or crocks. The foot race to the food stands is our justification for our consumption addiction. We mentally assure ourselves that we had to have walked over 5 miles therefore taking in 9,000 calories is justified.

There are also cliques at the fair; certain areas that generate and magnetize corners of the fair population. While Judson Ave. and Underwood St. bring out the best in us, the Midway digresses us back to our youthful indiscretions. The Midway is where camaraderie goes to wither away, and different cultural backgrounds compete for an oversized anything that they are forced to piggy-back through the rest of the fair. The midway is the equivalent of a town’s (insert your’s here) or at best county fair on steroids. The rides are bigger and squeakier, the attendants are missing that many more teeth, and the tickets are that much more expensive. From an eardrum perspective, it is a continuous scream; of either pure joy or fear from the realization that the ride isn’t suppose to make that sound.

For those that are clever enough to stay clear of the midway can escape to a variety of entertainment options. Anything from watching your local news team in action to live animal births is available; it is just dependant on the individual’s definition of fun. The Grandstand provides the stage for a multitude of music options and parades will satisfy the kiddies and the AARP card carrying folks. When the political calendar coincides with the Fair be on the look out for stump speeches at their finest. From the Senate-contenders to your local commissioner seats, everyone is playing the ‘I’m just an average’ Minnesotan card. But, it does provide a unique opportunity to shake a hand, take a picture, and immediately post it to Facebook.

Overall, the fair does a tremendous job with accommodating every taste bud. After all, stimulation is the key. Therefore, in closing I would like to offer up a couple of recommendations to the Fair organizers to consider for 2009 and beyond.

1. Provide all fair goers with some type of elastic waist band (either in a pants, shorts, skirts, etc.) This will allow for maximum eating potential. This will effectively eliminate the self therapeutic “belt-notch” check.

2. Provide a “Golf Cart Express”. When our feet hurt, our yard sticks have snapped like twigs, and our momentum is slowing, having access to an inexpensive ride might be ideal. Though this would only create more street congestion, it would be another revenue stream for the Fair.

3. Finally, make a new State Tax Deduction for “fair contribution”. This could be an after-tax deduction from all participating MN residents to get their Fair expenses accounted for. It could be any where from $0.42 a check ($0.42 x 26 pay checks/yr = $11.00 admission fee) to whole dollar amounts that will equate to food credits at the Fair.

That is all for now. After all, going to the Fair is the only way to truly experience it.

So long and farewell...I have a Scandinavian tan to go work on.